How about a little humor

Discussion in 'System One Pit Buzz' started by insane1, Jan 13, 2009.

  1. eli

    eli Banned

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    Casualties

    Casualties




    The Dept Of Defense briefed the president this

    morning, they told OBAMA that 2 Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq.


    To everyone's surprise, he collapsed onto his desk, head in his
    hands, visibly shaken, almost in tears.


    Finally, he composed himself and asked, 'Just how many is a brazilian?'



    This is especially poignant since he obviously has no understanding of billion or trillion either.
     
    #101
  2. Eric David Bru

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    :d

    lol~!

    Edb
     
    #102
  3. eli

    eli Banned

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    Florida court sets atheist holy day

    FLORIDA COURT SETS ATHEIST HOLY DAY

    In Florida , an atheist created a case against the coming Easter and
    Passover

    holy days. He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case against

    Christians, Jews and observances of their holy days.

    The argument was that it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized
    days.

    The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the passionate

    presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel declaring,"Case

    dismissed!"

    The lawyer immediately stood objecting to the ruling saying, "Your honor,

    how can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas,

    Easter and others.
    The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah, yet my client and
    all other atheists have no such holidays."

    The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, "But you do. Your client,

    counsel, is woefully ignorant."

    The lawyer said, "Your Honor, we are unaware of any special observance

    or holiday for atheists."

    The judge said, "The calendar says April 1st is April Fools Day.

    Psalm 14:1 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.'

    Thus, it is the opinion of this court, that if your client says there is no
    God, then he is a fool. Therefore, April 1st is his day. Court is
    adjourned.

    You gotta love a Judge that knows his scripture. ;)
     
    #103
  4. eli

    eli Banned

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    Three Contractors

    Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House.One is from Chicago,another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does somemeasuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "Ifigure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crewand $100 profit for me." The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials,$300 for my crew and $100 profit for me." The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700." The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?" The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you,and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence." "Done!" replies the government official. And that, my friends, is how the new stimulus plan will work. :eek: :rolleyes:
     
    #104
  5. eli

    eli Banned

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    #105
  6. eli

    eli Banned

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  7. eli

    eli Banned

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    Things to make you stop and think

    1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an
    ambulance.

    2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
    3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to
    the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people
    can buy cigarettes at the front.
    4. Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large
    fries, and a diet coke.
    5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain
    the pens to the counters.
    6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in
    thedriveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
    7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and
    then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't
    want to talk to in the first place.
    8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in
    packages of eight.
    9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the
    process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning
    'bloodsucking creatures'.
    10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille
    lettering. :eek: :rolleyes:
     
    #107
  8. eli

    eli Banned

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    Earl and Bob, both obsessed with baseball, never missed their favorite team’s game. They promised, whoever died first, and went to heaven, would come back to earth and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven. One day, Earl died. Bob waited for him to come back. Finally Earl did. He said to Bob. "I have good news and bad news. I'll tell you the good news first. There is baseball in heaven." Bob said, "That’s the best news!" Then Earl said, time for the bad news....”You're pitching tomorrow night. :eek:
     
    #108
  9. Lorenzo

    Lorenzo New Member

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    Mathematical logic

    What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

    Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

    If:
    A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

    is represented as:
    1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

    Then:

    H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
    8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%


    and


    K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
    11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

    But ,

    A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
    1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

    And,

    B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
    2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

    AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

    A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
    1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

    So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.
     
    #109
  10. eli

    eli Banned

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    A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
    In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."
    The man leans out and with a glint in his eye said "I've got a better idea ... let's pretend we're married."
    "Why not," giggles the woman.
    "Good," he replies. "Get your own blanket."
     
    #110
  11. eli

    eli Banned

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    A man was pulled over for speeding down the highway; the officer came to the driver’s window and said, "Sir, may I see your driver’s license and registration?" The man said, "Well officer I don't have a license, it was taken away for a DUI." The officer, in surprise, said," What, do you have a registration for the vehicle?" So the man replied, "No sir, the car is not mine I stole it, but I am pretty sure I say a registration card in the glove box when I put the gun in it." The officer stepped back, "There is a gun in the glove box?!?" The man sighed and said, "Yes sir, I used to kill the woman who owns the car before I stuffed her in the trunk." The officer steps toward the back of the car and says," Sir do not move, I am calling for backup." The officer calls for backup and about ten minutes another highway patrolman arrives. He walks up to the window slowly and asks the man for his driver’s license and registration. The man said," Yes officer here it right here." It all checked out so the officer said," Is there a gun in the glove box sir?" The man laughs and says," No officer why would there be a gun in the glove box." He opened the glove box and showed him that there was no gun. The second officer asked him to open the trunk because he had reason to believe that there was a body in it. The man agrees and opens the trunk, no dead body. The second officer says, "Sir I do not understand, the officer that pulled you over said that you did not have a license, the car was stolen, there was a gun in the glove box, and a dead body in the trunk." The man looks the officer in the eyes and says, "Yeah and I'll bet he said I was speeding too."
     
    #111
  12. eli

    eli Banned

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    Drunk????

    One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow tumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys in five different cars before he found his. Then he sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone else left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy.” :D:p
     
    #112
  13. blown375

    blown375 New Member

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    dea

    A DEA officer stops at a ranch in Montana , and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, 'I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.' The old rancher says, 'Okay, but do not go in that field over there. Cause theres a...
    DEA officer verbally explodes saying, 'Mister, I have the authority of the United States Government with me.' Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the farmer. 'See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish...on any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? - Do you understand?'

    The old rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased close behind by the rancher's prize bull. With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get "horned" before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The old rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....





    'Your badge...Show him your badge!'
     
    #113
  14. JustinatAce

    JustinatAce Member

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    Clutch Humor

    A lady starts work at a clutch company who knows nothing about parts or cars. Really nice lady, just not the sharpest tool in the shed. She takes an order one day and leaves a note on the salesmen's desk that reads:

    "10.5 inch Engine 3 .25 10"

    Salesmen asks the lady, "What is this note?"

    The lady replies, "This guy called and wanted some ten and a half inch, 'engine three quarter ten discs.' "
     
    #114
  15. SICTOR

    SICTOR hola amigos!

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  16. BEDNAR1320

    BEDNAR1320 Member

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    #116
  17. MaineAlkyFan

    MaineAlkyFan Member

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    What is the difference between an investment banker and a pidgeon?




    The pidgeon can still make a deposit on a brand new BMW...
     
    #117
  18. MaineAlkyFan

    MaineAlkyFan Member

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    A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several
    months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
    One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

    As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, 'You know what?
    'You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired,
    you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were
    there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?'

    'What dear?' she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

    'I think you're bad luck... Get the @#$ away from me!'
     
    #118
  19. Lorenzo

    Lorenzo New Member

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    DRILL PRESS:
    A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted vertical stabilizer which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

    WIRE WHEEL:
    Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench, at the speed of light. Also, it removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh--....'

    ELECTRIC HAND DRILL:
    Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

    SKILL SAW:
    A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

    PLIERS:
    Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

    BELT SANDER:
    An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

    HACKSAW:
    One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

    VISE-GRIPS:
    Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

    WELDING GLOVES:
    Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

    OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
    Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop onfire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race. Also known as the fire wrench or fire hammer

    TABLE SAW:
    A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

    HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
    Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

    EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4:
    Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

    E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR:
    A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use. One of the best examples of false advertising in naming a product to entice buyers.

    BAND SAW:
    A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheets into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the wrong side of the line.

    TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
    A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

    CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER:
    A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

    AVIATION METAL SNIPS:
    See hacksaw.

    PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
    Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

    STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
    A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

    PRY BAR:
    A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

    HOSE CUTTER:
    A tool used to make hoses too short.

    HAMMER:
    Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit. Also effective making fingernails and thumbnails turn black and fall off.

    MECHANIC'S KNIFE:
    Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing fingers and other body parts.

    DAMMIT TOOL:
    Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'DAMMIT' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
     
    #119

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