How about a little humor

Discussion in 'System One Pit Buzz' started by insane1, Jan 13, 2009.

  1. eli

    eli Banned

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    Somewhere in the Desert

    A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to findwater, he hurried toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties. The Taliban asked, 'Do you have water?' The Jewish man replied, 'I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.' The Taliban shouted, 'Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I needwater! I should kill you, infidel, but I must find water first! ' OK,' said the old Jewish man, 'it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need.Shalom.' Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours laterhe staggered back, almost dead. 'Your f***ing brother won't let me in without a tie!'? :eek:
     
    #81
  2. eli

    eli Banned

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    Godfather

    Frank went to the Godfather one day and asked if job could be found for his nephew who was due to
    arrive next week and stay with him until he gets settled.

    "No problem," said the Godfather in his deep voice and then continued, "You are a good man to watch
    for your relatives. Family is very important"

    "Godfather, you should know ahead of time that the boy is deaf and dumb, though. But, he is very
    smart," said Frank.

    "That's okay," said the Godfather, "We'll give him a job as a bagman and he won't need to talk. You
    are a good man Frank."

    The boy had been working for about six months picking up numbers game receipts when the Godfather
    called Frank into his office. Obviously very angry, he said, "That little scumbag nephew of yours has
    been skimming from the collections. I figure he's stolen about $500,000 by now and I want it back,
    right now!"

    Frank found his nephew downstairs, and in sign language, told the boy, "The Godfather is very upset
    with you and wants to see us both right away."

    Shrugging his shoulders, the boy followed his uncle to the boss's office. They sat down across the
    desk from the boss and Frank signed to the lad, "The Godfather wants to know where the money is that
    you stole from him."

    The boy shrugged his shoulders as if he knew nothing about it. With that, the Godfather pulled a .357
    magnum from the drawer, pointed it at the boy's head, and bellowed, "Tell that little puke he's got
    ten seconds to tell you where that money is or I'll blow his head off."

    The boy's eyes widened with terror at the sight of the gun and he quickly signed to his uncle, "I
    stashed the money under the basement stairs at your house."

    "Well?" the Godfather demanded, "What did that little ingrate have to say?"

    Frank replied, "He says he doesn't think you have the guts to pull the trigger.:eek:
     
    #82
  3. snowman racing

    snowman racing New Member

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    P problem

    As an aging male with pee problems, my family doctor recently referred

    me to a 'just out of school' female urologist.

    I saw her yesterday and she's absolutely drop-dead gorgeous.....

    and unbelievely sexy.

    She told me to stop masturbating.

    I asked her why,and she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you...." :)
     
    #83
  4. eli

    eli Banned

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    The italian secret for a long marriage

    THE ITALIAN SECRET FOR A LONG MARRIAGE



    At St. Mary's Catholic Church they have a weekly husbands marriage seminar. At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe,who was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

    Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, 'Wella, I've a-tried to treat-a her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of alla is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!

    The priest responded, 'Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?

    Giuseppe proudly replied, 'I'm agonna go get her. ;)
     
    #84
  5. eli

    eli Banned

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    And then the fight started

    My wife and I were watching "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire" while we
    were in bed.
    I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
    "No," she answered.
    Then I asked her, "Is that your final answer?"
    She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
    So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

    And that's when the fight started....
    *********************************************

    I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
    It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
    "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
    So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

    And that's when the fight started....
    *********************************************

    Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch,
    grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.
    I hooked up the boat to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a

    torrential downpour.
    The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned
    on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
    I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into
    bed.
    I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and

    whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'
    My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband

    is out fishing in that?'

    And then the fight started ...
    *********************************************

    A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
    Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.

    The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man
    That must be my husband!'
    In a panic, the man jumped out of bed, too. Scared and naked, he
    jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a

    t horn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.
    A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and
    screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'
    The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'

    And then the fight started.....
    *********************************************

    I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.

    Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.
    I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold
    cream.

    And then the fight started....
    *********************************************

    A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
    She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, 'I feel
    horrible; and I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a
    compliment.'
    The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's near perfect.'

    And then the fight started.....
    *********************************************

    I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my
    order first.
    "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
    The waiter then asked, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
    "Nah," I replied, "she can order for herself."

    And then the fight started...
    *********************************************



    My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I



    kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at
    a nearby table.
    My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
    'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend.
    I understand she took to
    drinking right after we split up those many years ago; and I hear she
    hasn't been sober since.'
    'My God!' said my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on
    celebrating that long?'

    And then the fight started...
    *********************************************

    After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for
    Social Security.
    The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to
    verify my age.
    I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
    I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home
    and come back later.
    The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt, sir.'
    So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
    She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me;' and

    she processed my Social Security application.
    When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
    Social Security office.
    She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
    disability, too.'

    And then the fight started...
    ********************************************

    When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I ta ke her someplace

    expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.

    And then the fight started...
    *********************************************

    My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
    anniversary.
    She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3
    seconds.'
    So I bought her a new scale.

    And then the fight started...
    *********************************************

    My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
    She asked, 'What's on TV?'
    I said, 'Dust.'

    And then the fight started...

    credit= Mike Kosky, good one

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     
    #85
  6. mbaker3

    mbaker3 New Member

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    Eli !!!!!!!!!!!

    This is some really funny sh*t :D:D
     
    #86
  7. mbaker3

    mbaker3 New Member

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    Very long, but very funny!!

    Subject: Electric Fence

    We had the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city.

    To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence. Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground round, drove 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.

    One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Walmart 6hp bigwheel pushmower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way. It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.

    Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 gigavolt fencewire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover. Time stood still. The first thing I notice is my balls trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine. It seems as though the fence charger and the POS lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

    Science says you cannot crap, pee, and nut at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block hevy turning 8 grand.

    At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I cant let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences... but Dad always had those POS chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled. This I could not let go of.

    The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.

    'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank! Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, jizz, and with my balls on my chest I think 'Oh God please die... pleeeeze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.

    So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day... he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.

    I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire... I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned. There were two large dead grass spots where i had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot were the wire had layed while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire. Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things.

    1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.

    2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).

    3- Poop, pee, and semen when all mixed together, do not smell as bad a you might think.

    4- My left eye will not open.

    5- My right eye will not close.

    6- The lawnmower runs like a sumnabitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something because it was better than new after that.

    7- My balls are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long

    8- I can turn on the TV in the gameroom by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this?)

    That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

    The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.:D:D
     
    #87
  8. eli

    eli Banned

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    The Man Who Orders Three Beers

    An Irishman by the name of Paul McLean moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry, walks into the pub and promptly orders three beers. The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone.

    An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders three more. This happens yet again. The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times. Soon the entire town is whispering about the Man Who Orders Three Beers.

    Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the town. "I don't mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you always order three beers."

    "'Tis odd, isn't it?" the man replies. "You see, I have two brothers, and one went to America, and the other to Australia. We promised each other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond."

    The bartender and the whole town was pleased with this answer, and soon the Man Who Orders Three Beers became a local celebrity and source of pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch him drink.

    Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers. The bartender pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest of the evening -- he orders only two beers. Word flies around town. Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers.

    The next day, the bartender says to the man, "Folks around here, me first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother. You know -- the two beers and all..."

    The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, "You'll be happy to hear that my two brothers are alive and well. It's just that I, meself, have decided to give up drinking for Lent."
     
    #88
  9. eli

    eli Banned

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    Nancy Pelosi is now a Saint

    CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS ?
    >
    >
    > On a Saturday afternoon, in Washington, D. C., House Speaker Nancy Pelosi's
    > aide visited the Cardinal of the Catholic cathedral.
    >
    > He told the Cardinal that Nancy Pelosi would be attending the next day's
    > sermon, and he asked if the Cardinal would kindly point out Pelosi to the
    > congregation and say a few words that would include calling Pelosi a saint.
    >
    > The Cardinal replied, "No. I don't really like the woman, and there are
    > issues of conflict with the Catholic Church over certain of Pelosi's views."
    > Pelosi's aide then said, "Look. I'll write a check here and now for a
    > donation of $100,000 to your church if you'll just tell the congregation you
    > see Pelosi as a saint."
    >
    > The Cardinal thought about it and said, "Well, the church can use the money,
    > so I'll work your request into tomorrow's sermon." As Pelosi's aide
    > promised, House Speaker Pelosi appeared for the Sunday sermon and seated
    > herself prominently at the edge of the main aisle.
    >
    > And, during the sermon, as promised, the Cardinal pointed out that House
    > Speaker Pelosi was present.
    >
    > Then the Cardinal went on to explain to the congregation -- "While Speaker
    > Pelosi's presence is probably an honor to some, she is not my favorite
    > person. Some of her views are contrary to those of the church, and she
    > tends to flip-flop on many other views. Nancy Pelosi is a petty,
    > self-absorbed hypocrite, a thumb sucker, and a nit-wit. Nancy Pelosi is
    > also a serial liar, a cheat, and a thief.
    >
    > Nancy Pelosi is the worst example of a Catholic I have ever personally
    > witnessed.
    >
    > She married for money and is using it to lie to the American people. She
    > also has a reputation for shirking her Representative obligations both in
    > Washington, and in California. She simply is not to be trusted."
    >
    > The Cardinal completed his view of Pelosi with, "But, when compared to
    > Senators Ted Kennedy, Harry Reid, and John Kerry, House Speaker Pelosi is a
    > saint.:eek:
     
    #89
  10. Jezman

    Jezman Member

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    Two English businessmen in London were sitting down for a break
    in their soon-to-be new store.
    As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.

    One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some idiot
    tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and
    ask what we're selling."

    No sooner were the words out of his mouth when,
    sure enough, a curious Irishman walked to the window,
    had a peek, and in a thick Irish accent asked "What might ye be sellin' here?"

    One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling a$$-holes."
    Without skipping a beat, the Irishman said, "You're doing
    well ... only two left!"

    Englishmen - God bless them - should not mess with the Irish.
     
    #90
  11. eli

    eli Banned

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    Subject: Three "black" men

    To all my Irish friends, true story. Saw it in Ireland last May.
    >
    > > At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a
    > > husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them
    > > completely confused.
    > >
    > > The painting depicted three black men totally
    > > naked sitting on a park bench.
    > >
    > > Two of the figures had black penises, but the
    > > one in the middle had a pink penis.
    > >
    > > The curator of the gallery realized that they
    > > were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his
    > > assessment.
    > >
    > > He went on for over half an hour explaining
    > > how it depicted the sexual emasculation of black men in a predominately
    > > white, patriarchal society.
    > > 'In fact, 'he pointed out, 'some
    > > serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and
    > > sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society.'
    > >
    > > After the curator left, an Irishman,
    > > approached the couple and said, 'Would you like to know
    > > what the painting is really about?'
    > >
    > > 'Now why would you claim to be more of an
    > > expert than the curator of the gallery?' asked the
    > > couple..
    > >
    > > 'Because I'm the guy who painted
    > > it,' he replied. 'In fact, there are no black men depicted at all. They're just
    > > three Irish coal miners.. The guy in the middle went home
    > > for lunch.
    > :D:)
     
    #91
  12. eli

    eli Banned

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    The Lone Ranger's Last Request

    The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party.

    The Indian Chief proclaims,

    "So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger" ....

    "In honor of the Harvest Festival,

    YOU will be executed in three days."

    "Before I kill you, I grant you three requests"

    "What is your FIRST request ???'

    The Lone Ranger responds,

    "I'd like to speak to my horse."

    The Chief nods and Silver is brought

    before the Lone Ranger who whispers in

    Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.

    Later that evening, Silver returns with

    a beautiful blonde woman on his back.

    As the Indian Chief watches,

    the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent

    and spends the night.

    The next morning the Indian Chief admits

    he's impressed.

    "You have a very fine and loyal horse",

    "But I will still kill you in two days."


    "What is your SECOND request ???"

    The Lone Ranger again asks to speak

    to his horse. Silver is brought to him,

    and he again whispers in the horse's ear.

    As before, Silver takes off and disappears

    over the horizon.

    Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise,

    Silver again returns, this time with a

    voluptuous brunette, more attractive

    than the blonde.


    She enters the Lone Rangers tent

    and spends the night.

    The following morning the Indian Chief

    is again impressed.

    "You are indeed a man of many talents,"

    "But I will still kill you tomorrow."

    "What is your LAST request ???"

    The Lone Ranger responds,

    "I'd like to speak to my horse, .... alone."

    The Chief is curious, but he agrees,

    and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.

    Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, Looks him square in the eye and says,


    Listen Very Carefully !!!!

    FOR... THE... LAST.... TIME...
    I SAID .....

    "BRING POSSE" :eek::D


    credit = mike canter
     
    #92
  13. Ozzy Osborn

    Ozzy Osborn Member

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    Personals

    A single older lady placed and ad in the persoanls section of the local paper, it read:
    WANTED: One good man. don't have to be rich, handsome nor perfect, just good in bed. Dont call, come by in person.

    After a few days her doorbell rings....she goes to the peep hole but can't see anyone so, returns to her chores. A moment later it rings again however, she see's no one. Another moment passes, the bell rings again...by this time she's think'n "kids", playing jokes on me...so she SLiiings the door open and there sits this old wrinkly dude in a wheel chair..no arms...no legs....pert near as ugly as they come. She says "can I help you sir"...he says "yesum...I'm here bout yer ad in da personals...bout you need'n a good man".... The lady paused before saying "well, did you read and understand the ad because I am lookin for a man who...well...is good in bed"..... "YEP"..says the ole timer..."an I'm yo man"....."Well how could that be" the lady replied..."You have no arms, no legs and your rather elderly so, how is it that you could help me?".....the old man eases forward and says.."how do think I rang the door bell"
     
    #93
  14. JustinatAce

    JustinatAce Member

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    Little Johnny

    A kindergarten teacher in Brooklyn was teaching her students about animals one day. She asks the class, "What sound does a dog make?", a little girl raises her hand and says "RUFF!!"

    "Very good!" said the teacher. "Now what sound does a cow make?" a little boy raises his hand and says "Moo!"

    "Excellent!" said the teacher. "Now what sound does a pig make?" and Little Johnny raises his hand and says, "UP AGAINST THE WALL, MOTHERF%^&#R!"
     
    #94
  15. eli

    eli Banned

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    Not Tonight, Adam

    After a few days, the Lord called to Adam and said, "It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth, so I want you to kiss her."

    Adam answered, "Yes, Lord, but what is a 'kiss'?"

    The Lord gave a brief description to Adam, who then took Eve by the hand and led her to a nearby bush.

    A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, "Thank you, Lord. That was enjoyable."

    And the Lord replied, "Yes, Adam, I thought you might enjoy that. Now I'd like you to caress Eve."

    And Adam said, "What is 'caress'?"

    So the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve.

    Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, "Lord, that was even better than the kiss!"

    And the Lord said, "You've done well, Adam. Now I want you to make love to Eve."

    And Adam asked, "What is 'make love' Lord?"

    So the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he reappeared in two seconds.

    And Adam said, "Lord, what is a 'headache'?" :eek: :D
     
    #95
  16. mbaker3

    mbaker3 New Member

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    Scary Thought!

    One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God.
    "Lord, I have a problem!"
    "What's the problem, Eve?"

    "Lord, I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."
    "Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.
    "Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."

    "Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."
    "What's a man, Lord?"

    "This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat, and be vain; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But he'll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly when he's aroused, but since you've been complaining, I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to think properly."

    "Sounds great." says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. What's the catch, Lord?"
    "Well ... you can have him on one condition."
    "What's that, Lord?"

    "As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring ... So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. Just remember, it's our little secret...
    "You know, woman to woman.":eek:
     
    #96
  17. eli

    eli Banned

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    Get me a preist

    A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in New York City. He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around. "A priest! Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps. A policeman checks the crowd but finds no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind.

    "A PRIEST, PLEASE!" the dying man says again. Then out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man of at least eighty years of age."Mr. Policeman," says the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Catholic. But for fifty years now I'm living behind St. Mary's Catholic Church on Third Avenue, and every night I'm listening to the Catholic litany. Maybe I can be of some comfort to this man."

    The policeman agrees and brings the octogenarian over to the dying man.;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; He kneels down, leans over the injured and says in a solemn voice: "B - 4. I - 19. N - 38. G - 54. O - 72."
     
    #97
  18. eli

    eli Banned

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    Match Made in Heaven

    A young couple were driving down the road one day, happily, deliriously in love and due to be married the next day. Suddenly, a large truck swerved from the oncoming lanes into their car! BOOM! And they both died.

    At the Pearly Gates, the young couple confronted St. Peter. "Sir, you have to help us! We were to be married tomorrow. Is there any way we can be married in Heaven?"

    "Hmmm," replied St. Peter, "I don't recall there ever being a marriage in Heaven. Well, let's take it up with God and see what he says."

    So they approached God with their plea. God sat for a moment, pondering the request. Then he looked down and said, "Come back in five years and ask me again."

    Five years later, the couple approached God again, even more in love than ever and pleading that he allow their marriage. God paused for quite a while, musing over their request. Then he spoke, "Come back in five years and ask me again."

    And once again, five years later, the couple was again in the presence of God, more in love than ever and begging God's permission for the third time to marry. This time God smiled broadly and thundered, "Yes my children, you may marry!"

    Well, the wedding went off beautifully, the reception was huge, everyone thought the bride was simply breathtaking and the groom was soooo handsome, and everyone was happy! Until...

    Two years later, the couple was back before God, and things were not looking so good. The couple had come to the realization almost immediately that although marriages were made in heaven, they didn't last very long there! And, in spite of their struggles to come to terms with the situation, they had decided there simply was no alternative but to get a divorce.

    Black clouds fractured by lightening rolled across the sky, and the ground shook with explosive thunder. God glared down at the tiny couple before him, his face becoming dark and angry, and he roared, "Divorce?! Impossible!!! It took us TEN years just to find a priest in Heaven! Do you have any idea how long it will take to find a LAWYER?!!"
     
    #98
  19. eli

    eli Banned

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    The Priest, Harry and Nancy

    The Priest, Harry and Nancy

    The old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years, he had faithfully served the people of the nation's capital. He motioned for his nurse to come near.

    "Yes, Father?" said the nurse.

    "I would really like to see Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi before I die.", whispered the priest.

    "I'll see what I can do, Father", replied the nurse.

    The nurse sent the request to them and waited for a response. Soon word arrived that Harry and Nancy would be delighted to visit the priest. As they went to the hospital, Harry commented to Nancy, "I don’t know why the old priest wants to see us, but it will certainly help our “images". Nancy couldn't help but agree.

    When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took Nancy’s hand in his right hand and Harry's hand in his left. There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face. Finally Nancy spoke, "Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?"

    The old priest slowly replied, "I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ." The old pries continued..."He died between two lying thieves, and I would like to do the same. :eek::D
     
    #99
  20. eli

    eli Banned

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    Duck walks into a bar

    A duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender for gwapes. The bartender says "We have no grapes, get out of here." So the duck leaves. The next day he comes back and asks for gwapes again, and the bartender says "I told you, we don't have any grapes! Get out!" So the duck leaves. The next day he goes in again and asks for gwapes, and the bartender says, "For the last time, we don't have grapes! If you ever come back,and ask for grapes I'm going to stapel those webbed feet of yours to the floor!" So the duck leaves. The next day the duck comes and asks, "Do you have any stapels?" The bartender says, "No, of course not. Why would a bar have stapels?" The duck then says, " got any gwapes?
     
    #100

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