How about a little humor

Discussion in 'System One Pit Buzz' started by insane1, Jan 13, 2009.

  1. eli

    eli Banned

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    A car ride with grandpa

    A CAR RIDE WITH GRANDPA

    Grandpa had a ritual he looked forward to
    every Sunday morning. He would take his 7-year old
    granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding
    time - Just he and his little granddaughter. On one
    particular Sunday, however, he had a very bad cold and
    didn't feel like getting out of bed at all. Luckily, his
    wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their
    granddaughter out. Upon their return, the little girl
    anxiously ran up stairs to see her grandfather. 'Well,
    did you enjoy your ride with grandma?'

    'Oh, yes,Grandpa,' the girl replied, 'and do you know what? We
    didn't see one dumb bastard or stupid s---head anywhere
    we went today!':D

    Brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?
     
    #61
  2. eli

    eli Banned

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    New Direction for any war

    New Direction for any war:
    Send Service Vets over 60!



    I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.

    For starters: Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

    Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.

    An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, 'I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing fanatical s-o-b's....

    If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser...

    Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.

    They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.

    Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

    An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.
    These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.

    Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple of million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.

    ***How about recruiting Women over 50 ...with PMS !!! You think Men have attitudes !!! Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!!

    If nothing else, put us on border patrol....we will have it secured the first night! :D
     
    #62
  3. eli

    eli Banned

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  4. eli

    eli Banned

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    Drinking With A Redneck Girl

    A Mexican, an Arab, and a redneck girl are in the same bar.> > >> > > When the Mexican finishes his beer,> > > he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the> > > glass to pieces.> > > He says, 'In Mexico , our glasses are> > > so cheap we don't need to drink with> > > the same one twice.'> > >> > > The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws it into> > > the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says,> > > 'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that> > > we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.'> > >> > > The redneck girl, cool as a cucumber,> > > picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air,> > > whips out> > > her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab. Catching her glass,setting> > > it on> > > the bar, and calling for a refill, she says,> > >> > > 'In America we have so many illegal aliens that we don't have to drink> > > with the same ones twice.'> > >> > >> > >> > > ' God Bless America '> > > :eek::D
     
    #64
  5. ITS IN MY BLOOD

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    A couple gets to heaven,..wife looks at him and says
    "hello my love, were together again" !!!.

    He turns to her and says,... " F that !!!!,
    the deal was till death do us part "..!!!!!!


    :eek::eek::eek::eek:
     
    #65
  6. eli

    eli Banned

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    Spaghetti

    For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.

    One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant and Catholic.

    Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, He paid her a large
    sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.

    If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child
    support until the child turned 18.

    She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.
    To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and
    write 'Spaghetti' on the back.

    He would then arrange for the child support payments to
    begin.

    One day, about 7 months later, he came home to his confused wife
    'Honey,' she said,

    'You received a very strange post card today.' 'Oh, just give it to me
    and I'll explain it later,' he said.

    The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white,
    and fainted.

    On the card was written:

    'Spaghetti, S paghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Three with
    meatballs, two without


    Send extra sauce.' :eek::D
     
    #66
  7. mbaker3

    mbaker3 New Member

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    A lady walked into a drugstore and told the pharmacist she needed some cyanide right away. The pharmacist naturally was concerned by such a request and asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

    The lady then explained that she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license. They'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not—you cannot have any cyanide!"

    The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

    The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,

    "Well, now. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
     
    #67
  8. eli

    eli Banned

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    When Grandma Goes To Court

    Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi Grandmother a question if they aren’t prepared for the answer.

    In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, ‘Mrs. Jones, do you know me?’ She responded, ‘Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you’ll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.’The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, ‘Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?’She again replied, ‘Why yes, I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a
    youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.’

    The defense attorney nearly died.

    The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, ‘If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I’ll send you both to the electric chair.’ :D
     
    #68
  9. eli

    eli Banned

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    Same Old Same Old

    An Irishman, a Mexican and a blonde guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

    They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage. If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building."

    The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

    The blond opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

    The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his death.

    The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped, too.

    The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

    At the funeral the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"

    The Mexican's wife also wept and said,"I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

    Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife.

    "Hey, don't look at me," she said. "He makes his own lunch." :eek:
     
    #69
  10. BEDNAR1320

    BEDNAR1320 Member

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    Thought for the day-when president obama signed the sitmulus package he did so on the same desk that president clinton had his package stimulated on.
     
    #70
  11. eli

    eli Banned

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    Cheeky Monkey...

    A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car.



    The officer looked down at the monkey and said "I wish you could talk."



    The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down. "You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer.



    Again, the monkey shook his head up and down. "Well, did you see this?"



    "Yes," motioned the monkey.



    "What happened?"



    The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.



    "They were drinking?" asked the officer.



    The monkey shakes his head "Yes."



    "What else?" The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.



    "They were smoking marijuana?"



    The monkey shakes his head "Yes."



    "What else?" The monkey motioned "kissing."



    "They were kissing, too?" asked the astounded officer.



    The monkey shakes his head "Yes."



    "Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking and kissing before they wrecked."



    The monkey shakes his head "Yes."



    "What were you doing during all this?"



    "Driving," motioned the monkey. :eek:
     
    #71
  12. eli

    eli Banned

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    Italian saying

    se mettete una campana intorno ad una capra tutta le pecore la seguiranno e se la capra salta fuori da una scogliera le pecore salteranno anche. :eek: :)
     
    #72
  13. mbaker3

    mbaker3 New Member

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    Hmmmmmmmm! Eli, is this close???

    if you put a bell around a goat, sheep will follow it. If the goat jumps off a cliff the sheep will jump also!
     
    #73
  14. Lorenzo

    Lorenzo New Member

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    Chi pecora si fa, il lupo se la mangia.
     
    #74
  15. eli

    eli Banned

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    Close enough, Kind of like the govnerment. :rolleyes:
    il cieco conducendo i ciechi

    Yahoo bable fish. :D
    .
     
    #75
    Last edited: Mar 8, 2009
  16. eli

    eli Banned

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    Even god enjoys a good laugh!

    There were 3 good arguments that Jesus (NOTE: had the characteristics) was Black:

    1. He called everyone brother

    2. He liked Gospel

    3. He didn't get a fair trial

    But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:

    1. He went into His Father's business

    2. He lived at home until he was 33

    3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother

    was sure He was God

    But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:

    1. He talked with His hands

    2. He had wine with His meals

    3. He used olive oil

    But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:

    1. He never cut His hair

    2. He walked around barefoot all the time

    3. He started a new religion



    But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:

    1. He was at peace with nature

    2. He ate a lot of fish



    3. He talked about the Great Spirit

    But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:

    1. He never got married.

    2. He was always telling stories.

    3. He loved green pastures.



    But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:

    1. He fed a crowd at a

    moment's notice when there was virtually no food

    2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it

    3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was still work to do. Credit to Mike Kosky
     
    #76
    Last edited: Mar 10, 2009
  17. eli

    eli Banned

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    Finally, someone has explained the mystery!!!

    For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most
    of us have naively thought this was connected with marriage or
    religion, but the Indian Embassy in Washington , DC has recently
    revealed the true story.
    When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union.
    On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see
    whether he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a liquor store
    or a motel in the United States .
    If there is nothing under the dot, he must take a job in India
    answering telephones and giving unintelligible technical advice to
    frustrated Americans and Canadians with computer software problems. :p:eek:
     
    #77
  18. eli

    eli Banned

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    FBI assassin.

    --- The FBI had an opening for an assassin.

    After all the background checks, interviews
    And testing were done, there were 3 finalists;


    Two men and a woman.

    For the final test, the FBI agents took one of

    The men to a large metal door and handed
    Him a gun.

    'We must know that you will follow your
    Instructions no matter what the circumstances.

    Inside the room you will find your wife sitting
    In a chair .. . . Kill her!!'

    The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could
    Never shoot my wife.'

    The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man
    For this job. Take your wife and go home.'

    The second man was given the same instructions.
    He took the gun and went into the room. All was
    Quiet for about 5 minutes.

    The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried,
    But I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't
    Have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'

    Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the
    Same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the
    Gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one
    After another. They heard screaming, crashing,
    Banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was
    Quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the
    Woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.

    'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to
    Beat him to death with the chair.' :eek: :D



    MORAL:


    Women are crazy. Don't mess with them
     
    #78
  19. Lorenzo

    Lorenzo New Member

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    Dear IRS,

    I am sorry to inform you that I will not be able to pay taxes owed April 15, but all is not lost.

    I have paid these taxes: accounts receivable tax, building permit tax, CDL tax, cigarette tax, corporate income tax, dog licence tax, federal income tax, unemployment tax, gasoline tax, hunting licence tax, fishing licence tax, waterfowl stamp tax, inheritance tax, inventory tax, liquor tax, luxury tax, medicare tax, city, school and county property tax (up 33 percent last 4 years), real estate tax, social security tax, road usage tax, toll road tax, state and city sales tax, recreational vehicle tax, state franchise tax, state unemployment tax, telephone federal excise tax, telephone federal state and local surcharge tax, telephone minimum usage surcharge tax, telephone state and local tax, utility tax, vehicle licence registration tax, capitol gains tax, lease severance tax, oil and gas assessment tax, Colorado property tax, Texas, Colorado, Wyoming, Oklahoma and New Mexico sales tax, and many more that I can't recall but I have run out of space and money.

    When you do not receive my check April 15, just know that it is an honest mistake. Please treat me the same way you treated Congressmen Charles Rangle, Chris Dodd, Barney Frank and ex-Congressman Tom Dashelle and, of course, your boss Timothy Geithner. No penalties and no interest.

    P.S. I will make at least a partial payment as soon as I get my stimulus check.

    Ed Barnett
    Wichita Falls
     
    #79
  20. eli

    eli Banned

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    A nun and a cabby

    A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab ,
    and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver
    won't stop staring at her.

    She asks him why he is staring.

    He replies , 'I have a question to ask you but I
    don't want to offend you.'

    She answers , 'My son , you cannot offend me.
    When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as
    long as I have , you get a chance to see and hear
    just about everything. I'm sure that there's
    nothing you could say or ask that I would find
    offensive.'

    'Well , I've always had a fantasy to have a nun
    kiss me.'

    She responds , 'Well , let's see what we can do
    about that.... #1 , you have to be single
    and.... #2 , you must be Catholic.'

    The cab driver is very excited and says , Yes ,
    I'm single and Catholic!'

    'OK , ' the Nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'
    The Nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that
    would make a hooker blush.

    But when they get back on the road , the cab
    driver starts crying.

    'My dear child , ' says the Nun , 'why are you
    crying?'

    'Forgive me , Sister , .but I've sinned. I lied
    and I must confess. I'm married and I'm Jewish.'

    The Nun says , 'That's OK. My name is Kevin and
    I'm going to a Halloween party.'
     
    #80

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