How about a little humor

Discussion in 'Pit Buzz' started by insane1, Jan 13, 2009.

  1. Will Hanna

    Will Hanna We put the 'inside' in Top Alcohol
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    joke

    Yesterday morning when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up; fireman, policeman, salesman, etc. The teacher noticed that little Davey was being uncharacteristally quiet and so she asked him about his father.

    "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay bar and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer's really good, he'll go out to the alley with some guy and do it with him for money."

    The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some coloring and took little Davey aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"

    "No," said Davey. "He plays for the Dallas Cowboys, but I was too embarrased to say that in front of the other kids!"
     
    #21
  2. Lorenzo

    Lorenzo New Member

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    An Italian architect, an artist and a Racer were discussing
    whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.
    The Italian architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building
    a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.
    The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the
    passion and mystery he found there. The racer said, "I like both."
    "Both?" Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will
    each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can
    go to the shop and get some work done."
     
    #22
  3. eli

    eli Banned

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    Economic Stimulus Payment 101

    "This year, taxpayers will receive an Economic Stimulus Payment. This is a very exciting new program that I will explain using the Q and A format:

    "Q. What is an Economic Stimulus Payment?
    "A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

    "Q. Where will the government get this money?
    "A. From taxpayers.

    "Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
    "A. No, they are borrowing it from China . Your children are expected to repay the Chinese.

    "Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
    "A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

    "Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
    "A. Shut up."


    Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:

    If you spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China .

    If you spend it on gasoline it will go to Hugo Chavez, the Arabs and Al Queda

    If you purchase a computer it will go to Taiwan .

    If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico , Honduras , and Guatemala (unless you buy organic).

    If you buy a car it will go to Japan and Korea .

    If you purchase prescription drugs it will go to India

    If you purchase heroin it will go to the Taliban in Afghanistan
    If you give it to a charitable cause, it will go to Nigeria .

    And none of it will help the American economy.

    We need to keep that money here in America . You can keep the money in America by spending it at yard sales, going to a baseball game, or spend it on prostitutes, beer (domestic ONLY), or tattoos, since those are the only businesses still in the US. :eek: :D
     
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  4. JustinatAce

    JustinatAce Member

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    lol.. don't forget that if you buy Miller beer it goes to South Africa and if you buy Anheuser Busch, it goes to Belgium. :eek:
     
    #24
  5. Bruce

    Bruce New Member

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    Pocket Taser Gun For A Gift

    it's a bit long but worth it.



    Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.


    A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket taser for their
    Anniversary submitted this:


    Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that
    sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was
    looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came
    across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the
    taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect
    on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....
    WAY TOO COOL!

    Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I
    loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pu shed the button.
    Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the
    button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get
    the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
    AWESOME!!!

    Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot
    is on the face of her microwave.

    Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself
    that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries,
    right?

    There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently
    (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking
    that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving
    target.

    I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a
    second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat.&nbs p; But, if I
    was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a
    mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am
    I wrong?

    So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
    glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one
    hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst
    would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was
    supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a
    three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the
    ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds
    would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this
    little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4" in circumference;
    pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries)
    thinking to myself, "no possible way"!
    What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my
    best....

    I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to
    one side as to say, "don't do it dipstick", reasoning that a one second
    burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I
    decided to give myself a one second burst just for the heck of it. I
    touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY
    MOTHER OF GOD... WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION...WHAT THE HELL!!!!

    I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door,
    picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet,
    over and over and over again.

    I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with
    tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles
    nowhere to be found, with my l eft arm tucked under my body in the oddest
    position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was making meowing sounds I
    had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the
    fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body
    flopping all over the living room.

    Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser,
    one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when
    you zap yourself!! You will not let go of that thing until it is
    dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor...A
    three second burst would be considered conservative!

    SON-OF-A-BITCH, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!!!

    A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative
    thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat
    up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading gla sses were on the
    mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet
    or so from where it originally was My triceps, right thigh and both
    nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up
    with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over
    the drooling.

    Apparently I shit myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my
    sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which
    I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm
    offering a significant reward for their safe return!!

    P.S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with
    it! "If you think education is difficult, try being stupid".
     
    #25
  6. kosky racing

    kosky racing Comp Eliminator

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    taser

    If you did this for a side show you could probally make enough money to support a race car. I for one would pay to see it. Mike Still laughing my n-ts off.
     
    #26
  7. Bob Meyer

    Bob Meyer Comp Eliminator

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    I've seen Kosky after 23 "Iron City"s, so it sounds like the same story!
     
    #27
  8. eli

    eli Banned

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    BRUCE ,, you got my vote for the best and funniest so far. :D:D:D:)
     
    #28
  9. kosky racing

    kosky racing Comp Eliminator

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    Gee Bob how can you remember I heard you all timers ? Mike:p
     
    #29
  10. Lorenzo

    Lorenzo New Member

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    #30
  11. snowman racing

    snowman racing New Member

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    skunk joke

    >>Subject: Joke For men only
    >>
    >>A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the
    >>wife asks her husband to stop the car.
    >>
    >>There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got
    >>out to see if it was still alive.
    >>
    >>It was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death.
    >>Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"
    >>
    >>He says, "OK, get in the car with it."
    >>
    >>The wife says, "Where shall I put it to get it warm?"
    >>
    >>He says, "Put it between your legs. It's nice and warm there."
    >>
    >>"But what about the smell?" asked the wife.
    >>
    >>He says, "Just hold its little nose."
    >>




    >>The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat
    >>him with died at the scene.
    >>
    >>
     
    #31
  12. Bruce

    Bruce New Member

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    #32
  13. eli

    eli Banned

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    HIGH SCHOOL -- 1957 vs. 2008

    HIGH SCHOOL -- 1957 vs. 2008


    Scenario 1:
    Jack goes quail hunting before school and then pulls into the school parking lot with his shotgun in his truck's gun rack.
    1957 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.
    2008 - School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.

    Scenario 2:
    Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.
    1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
    2008 - Police called and SWAT team arrives -- they arrest both Johnny and Mark. They are both charged them with assault and both expelled even though Johnny started it.
    Scenario 3:
    Jeffrey will not be still in class, he disrupts other students.
    1957 -Jeffrey sent to the Principal's office and given a good paddling by the Principal. He then returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
    2008 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. He becomes a zombie. He is then tested for ADD. The school gets extra money from the state because Jeffrey has a disability.
    Scenario 4:
    Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.

    1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college and becomes a successful businessman.
    2008 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. The state psychologist is told by Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has an affair with the psychologist.
    Scenario 5:
    Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.
    1957 -Mark shares his aspirin with the Principal out on the smoking dock.
    2008 - The police are called and Mark is expelled from school for drug violations. His car is then searched for drugs and weapons.
    Scenario 6:
    Pedro fails high school English.
    1957 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and goes to college.
    2008 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against the state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English is then banned fromcore curriculum. Pedro is given his diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.
    Scenario 7:


    Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the Fourth of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up a red ant bed.
    1957 - Ants die.
    2008- ATF, Homeland Security and the FBI are all called. Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. The FBI investigates his parents -- and all siblings are removed from their home and all computers are confiscated. Johnny's dad is placed on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

    Scenario 8:


    Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.
    1957 -In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
    2008 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.
     
    #33
  14. Bruce

    Bruce New Member

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    Eli that's not funny its sad & true.
     
    #34
  15. snowman racing

    snowman racing New Member

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    At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady
    struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish.

    Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together
    the next day.

    The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure.

    They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the
    gentleman asked the lady,

    'Do you want to go up or down?'

    All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad
    passionate love to the man right there in the boat!

    When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years.

    They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they
    came upon another fork in the river.

    He again asked the lady, 'Up or down?'

    There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made mad passionate
    love to him again.

    This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing
    again the next day!

    She said yes and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when
    they came upon the fork in the river, and the elderly gentleman asked,
    'Up or down?'

    The woman replied, 'Down'

    A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down
    the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the
    lady, 'Up or down?'

    She replied, 'Up'

    This really confused the gentleman so he asked,

    'What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to
    go up or down you made mad passionate love to me. Now today,
    nothing!'

    She replied, 'Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought
    the choices were f**k or drown!'
     
    #35
  16. mbaker3

    mbaker3 New Member

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    Now that's funny:D
     
    #36
  17. eli

    eli Banned

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    the big switch

    A man was sick and tired of going to work every day
    while his wife stayed at home. He wanted her to see
    what he went through each day, so he prayed :-

    "Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in 8 hours
    of hard work, while my wife merely stays at home. I
    want her to know what I go through, so please create a
    trade in our bodies". God, in His infinite wisdom,
    granted the man's wish.

    The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a
    woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate,
    awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed
    them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to
    school, came home ..... picked up the dry cleaning,
    took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to
    draw money to pay the electricity and telephone bills.


    He drove to the electricity company and the phone
    company and paid the bills, went grocery shopping,
    came home and put away the groceries. He cleaned the
    cat's litter box and bathed the dog. By then it was
    already 1:00 pm, so he hurried to make the beds, do
    the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the
    kitchen floor.

    He rushed to the school to pick up the kids and got
    into an argument with them on the way home which he
    had to sort out in a gentle 'motherly' fashion. He set
    out cookies and milk and got the kids organised to do
    their homework, then set up the ironing board and was
    able to watch a bit of TV while he did the ironing. By
    then it was 4:30 pm, so he began peeling potatoes and
    washed greens for salads. He prepared the chops and
    fresh vegetables and got everything ready in time for
    an early dinner.

    After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the
    dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put
    them to bed. At 9:00 pm he was exhausted and although
    his chores weren't finished for the day, he went to
    bed where he was expected to make love, which he
    managed to get through without complaining. The next
    morning he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and
    said :-

    "Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so
    wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all
    day. Please, O please, let us trade back!" The Lord,
    in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you
    have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change
    things back to the way they were. You'll just have to
    wait 9 months though, because you got pregnant last
    night!!!"
    :eek:
     
    #37
  18. Lorenzo

    Lorenzo New Member

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    Jack goes to the doctor and says, Doc I'm having trouble getting my penis erected. Can you help me?
    After a complete examination the doctor tells Jack, Well the problem with you is that the muscles around the base of your penis are damaged. There's really nothing I can do for you, except, if you're willing to try an experimental treatment.

    Jack asks sadly, What is this treatment?

    Well, the doctor explains, what we would do is take the muscles from the trunk of a baby elephant and implant them in your penis.

    Jack thinks about it silently then says, Well the thought of going through life without ever having sex again is too much, let's go for it.

    A few weeks after the operation Jack was given the green light to use his improved equipment. He planned a romantic evening for his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in the city.

    In the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being painful. To release the pressure Jack unzipped his fly. His penis immediately sprung from his pants, went to the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll and then returned to his pants.

    His girlfriend was stunned at first but then said with a sly smile, That was incredible! Can you do it again?

    Jack replied with his eyes watering, Well, I guess so, but I don't think I can fit another roll in my ass.
     
    #38
  19. Lorenzo

    Lorenzo New Member

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    Eli, you’ll appreciate this one

    All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.

    'I should be in charge,' said the brain , 'because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen.'

    'I should be in charge,' said the blood, 'because I circulate oxygen
    all over so without me you'd all waste away.'

    'I should be in charge,' said the stomach, 'because I process food and give all of you energy.'

    'I should be in charge,' said the legs, 'because I carry the body
    wherever it needs to go.'

    'I should be in charge,' said the eyes, 'because I allow the body to
    see where it goes.'

    'I should be in charge,' said the rectum, 'because I'm responsible for waste removal.'

    All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.

    The Moral of the story? Even though the others do all the work…
    The asshole is usually in charge.
     
    #39
  20. Lorenzo

    Lorenzo New Member

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    One More For ya :p
    While I was "flying" down the road the other day, I passed over a bridge
    only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.

    The cop pulled me over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing
    smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"
    To which I replied, "I'm late for work."
    "Oh yeah," said the cop, "What do you do?"
    I'm a rectum stretcher," I responded.
    The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum
    stretcher do?"
    "Well," I said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then
    four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I
    slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide."
    "And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" he asked
    "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."
    Traffic Ticket $95.00
    Court Costs $45.00
    Look on the Cop's Face....... PRICELESS
    For everything else, there's MasterCard!
     
    #40

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