How about a little humor

Discussion in 'System One Pit Buzz' started by insane1, Jan 13, 2009.

  1. insane1

    insane1 New Member

    Jan 8, 2009
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  2. was R4K

    was R4K Member

    Jun 20, 2003
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    as a retired fire fighter- that brings back some memories- LOL!:D
  3. Bruce

    Bruce New Member

    Jul 29, 2008
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    A Love Story

    A man and a woman who had never met before,

    but who were both married to other people,

    found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.

    Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room,

    they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

    At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,.......... 'Ma'am,

    I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?

    I'm awfully cold.'

    'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight,...... let's pretend that we're married.'

    'Wow!....................... That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.

    'Good,' she replied. .............'Get your own f---ing blanket.'

    After a moment of silence, ......................he farted.

    The End
  4. eli

    eli Banned

    Dec 24, 2005
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    But I didn't post anything :)
  5. insane1

    insane1 New Member

    Jan 8, 2009
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    cup of tea

    "Cup of Tea"

    One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.
    I was maybe 2 1/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident.
    Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was
    one of my favorite toys.

    Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I
    brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several
    cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.
    My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of
    tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' My Mom waited, and sure
    enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she
    watches him drink it up.

    Then she says, (as only a mother would know...
    "Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water
    is the toilet?":eek:
  6. Bruce

    Bruce New Member

    Jul 29, 2008
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    When I was very young growing up my family was very poor, we had no money for Christmas dinner let alone gifts and the same for birthdays there was no money for any presents ( if you have not guessed - yes my Dad was a drag racer) but anyway I'm just so glad I was born a boy or I would not have had anything to play with !:D
  7. Will Hanna

    Will Hanna We put the 'inside' in Top Alcohol
    Staff Member

    May 6, 2003
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    let's keep the jokes PG-13.....
  8. insane1

    insane1 New Member

    Jan 8, 2009
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    Sorry bout that. Thought this place could use a little humor. Forgot i was dealing w/ an older crowd:p j/k easy--easy--calm down

    P.s. Ya gotta admit the video was funny!!!

    Ok how about this

    An elderly gentleman...
    Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
    The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
    The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
    I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'

    Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
    Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
    'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
    'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

    An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
    The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'
    The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
    The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
    You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'
    'Do you mean a rose?'
    'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

    Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
    After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
    On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
    'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

    Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
    Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
    'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
    'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
    'No, I can remember it.'
    'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?'
    He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
    'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
    Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
    Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,
    The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
    'Where's my toast ?'

    A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
    'So I hear you're getting married?'
    'Do I know her?'
    'This woman, is she good looking?'
    'Not really.'
    'Is she a good cook?'
    'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
    'Does she have lots of money?'
    'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
    'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
    'I don't know.'
    'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
    'Because she can still drive!'

    Three old guys are out walking.
    First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
    Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
    Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'

    A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'
    'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'
    'Twelve thirty.'

    Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
    A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
    A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
    Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
    The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

    One more. . .!
    A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
    The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
    'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
  9. eli

    eli Banned

    Dec 24, 2005
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    The Closet

    A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

    Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them,
    and hides in the bedroom closet.
    Then the woman's husband also comes home.

    She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

    The little boy says, 'Dark in here.'

    The man says, 'Yes, it is.'

    Boy - 'I have a football.'

    Man - 'That's nice.'

    Boy - 'Want to buy it?'

    Man - 'No, thanks.'

    Boy - 'My dad's outside.'

    Man - 'OK, how much?'

    Boy - '$250'

    A few weeks later, it happens again that the boy and the lover are ;in the closet together..

    Boy - 'Dark in here.'

    Man - 'Yes, it is.'

    Boy - 'I have football helmet.
    'The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'How much?'

    Boy - '$750'

    Man - 'Sold.'

    A few days later, the boys father says to the boy,
    'Grab your helmet and football, let's go outside and have a game of football.

    The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and helmet.'

    The father says, 'What?! How much did you sell them for?'

    Boy - '$1,000.'

    The father says, 'That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that.
    That is far more than those two things cost.

    I'm going to take you to church and make you confess.'

    They go to the church and the father makes the little boy
    sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

    The boy says, 'Dark in here.'

    The priest says, 'Don't start that crap again.
    You're in my closet now.' :D :eek:
  10. jody stroud

    jody stroud ZOMBIE Top Dragster

    Sep 3, 2007
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    Yeah, sorry Will. Didn't mean to offend anyone, thats why I left out the curse words. Jody Stroud
  11. 23/cobrajet/tee

    Sep 17, 2006
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    Way Funny

    That was some funny shit............I laughed till it hurt!
  12. crewman

    crewman Member

    Jun 21, 2008
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    this threads great:D keep em coming
  13. eli

    eli Banned

    Dec 24, 2005
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    It's In The Bible

    During his sermon one Sunday, the preacher told his congregation that the entire range of human experience could be found in the Bible. He confidently stated, "If anything can happen to humans, it is described somewhere in the Bible."

    After the service, a woman came up to the preacher and said, "I don't think the Bible mentions anything about PMS."

    The preacher told the woman he was sure he could find a reference to PMS somewhere in Scripture. During the following week, he searched diligently, book by book, chapter by chapter, and verse by verse.

    On the following Sunday, the woman came up to him and asked, "Did you find any references to PMS in the Bible?"

    The preacher smiled, opened his Bible, and began to read, " . . . and Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem." :)
  14. eli

    eli Banned

    Dec 24, 2005
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    Capeeshe Italiano........

    I'm sending this out to every person I know who is Italian, could be Italian, married an Italian, lived with Italians or wants to be Italian......!!!!!

    Let's start at the beginning.

    Come stai? Molto bene. Bon giorno. Ciao. Arrivederci. Every Italian from Italy knows these words and every Italian-American should.

    But what about the goomba speech pattern? Those words and phrases that are a little Italian, a little American, and a little slang . Words every Paesano and Bacciagaloop we have heard, - words we hear throughout our Little Italy neighborhood of New York
    This form of language, the "Goomba-Italiano " has been used for generations. It's not gangster slang terms like "whack" or "vig", if that's what you are thinking---nope, this is real Guido talk!

    The goomba says ciao when he arrives or leaves. He says Mama Mia anytime emotion is needed in any given situation. Mannaggia, meengya, oofah, and of course, va fongool can also be used. Capeesh?

    He uses a moppeen to wipe his hands in the cuchina, gets agita from the gravy and will shkeevats meatballs unless they are homemade from the famiglia. Always foonah your bread in the pot of gravy (sauce) or you will be considered a real googootz or a Mezzo-finookio.

    There are usually plenty of mamalukes and the girl from the neighborhood with the reputation is a facia-bruta, puttana or a schifosa

    If you are called cattivo, cabbadost, sfatcheem, stupido, or strunz, you are usually a pain in the ass. A crazy diavlo can give you the malokya (evil eye), but that red horn (contra malokya) will protect you if you use it right. Don't forget to always say per favore and grazia and prego .

    If you are feeling mooshadda or stounad or mezzo-morto, always head to Nonna's and she will fix you up with a little homemade manicott', cavadell', or calamar ', or some ricotta cheesecake.

    Mangia some zeppoles, canolis, torrone, struffoli, shfoolyadell', pignoli cookies, or a little nutella on pannetone. Delizioso! I think I will fix myself a sangweech of cabacol' with some proshoot and mozarell' or maybe just a hot slice of peetza

    So salud' if you have any Italian blood in you and you understood anything written here! Then, you are numero uno and a professore of the goombas

    If you don't get any of this, then fa Nabola with the whole thing and you are a disgraziato. Scuzi, Mia dispiachay, I didn't mean that....... Just....... Fugheddaboudit

  15. insane1

    insane1 New Member

    Jan 8, 2009
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    Talking dog


    A young farm lad from Iowa goes off to college, but about 1/3 of the way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered away all of the money his parents gave him. Then he gets an idea. He calls his daddy. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education is coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here at Iowa State that will teach our dog Ole Blue how to talk!"
    That's absolutely amazing," his father says. "How do I get him in that program?"

    Just send him down here with $1,000" the boy says. "I'll get him into the course." So, his father sends the dog and the $1,000. About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again.
    So how's Ole Blue doing, son," his father asks.

    Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results with this program that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"
    "READ," says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?"

    "Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." His father sends the money.

    The boy now has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.
    When he gets home at the end of the semester, his father is all excited. "Where's Ole Blue? I just can't wait to see him talk and read something!"
    "Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole Blue was in the living room kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives in town?' "
    The father says, "I hope you SHOT that S.O.B. Before he talks to your mother!"

    "I sure did, Dad!"

    "That's my boy!"

    The kid went on to be a lawyer..
  16. insane1

    insane1 New Member

    Jan 8, 2009
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    Its magic


    A hillbilly family took a vacation to New York City. One day, the father took his son into a large building. They were amazed by everything they saw, especially the elevator at one end of the lobby. The boy asked, "What's this, Paw?"

    The father responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is!"

    While the boy and his father were watching in wide-eyed astonishment, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened again, and a voluptuous twenty-four-year old woman stepped out.

    The father turned to his son and said, "Go get your maw!"
  17. eli

    eli Banned

    Dec 24, 2005
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    Michigan Judge gives 7 year old right to decide custody.

    Flint, MI, December 31, 2008

    A seven year old boy was at the center of a county courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy had a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible. :eek: :D

    The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

    After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Detroit Lions, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.
  18. Woodchip

    Woodchip Top Alcohol Dragster

    Aug 27, 2004
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    Always check your child's homework


    Always Check Your Child's Homework


    (Here's the reply the teacher received the following day)

    Dear Mrs. Jones,

    I wish to clarify that I am not now, nor have I ever been, an exotic dancer.

    I work at Home Depot and I told my daughter how hectic it was last week before the blizzard hit. I told her we sold out every single shovel we had, and then I found one more in the back room, and that several people were fighting over who would get it. Her picture doesn't show me dancing around a pole. It's supposed to depict me selling the last snow shovel we had at Home Depot.

    From now on I will remember to check her homework more thoroughly before she turns it in.

    Mrs. Smith
  19. eli

    eli Banned

    Dec 24, 2005
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    Some facts

    It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

    One human hair can support 3 kg (6 lb).

    The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.

    Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

    A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

    There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

    Women blink twice as often as men.

    The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

    Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

    If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

    Women reading this will be finished now.

    Men who read this are still busy looking at their thumbs. :rolleyes: :D
  20. eli

    eli Banned

    Dec 24, 2005
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    The Gynecologist's New Career

    A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO
    paperwork and was burned out.

    Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he
    decided to become a mechanic.

    He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes,
    attended diligently, and learned all he could.

    When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist
    prepared carefully for wee ks and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

    When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained
    a score of 150%.

    Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear
    ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error
    in the grade."

    The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly,
    which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together
    again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."

    After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you
    did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career:eek: :D

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